The longer I pastor, the more I wonder if a pastor can successfully pastor a friend. I can remember John Maxwell sharing that it can be lonely for a leader at the top. Some in the congregation may befriend the pastor for the wrong reason. What are your thouts?
Jeff, I'm so in tune with your question. Of course, we are supposed to have friends.
ReplyDeleteHowever, when you serve in pastoral ministry it just seems that even though you want to be transparent and "real" you must also be mindful that you're someone's spiritual leader first.
I've made a concerted effort to try to Pastor some friends I had before I came to pastor - who ended up coming to be part of the congregation too. However, when push came to shove, some of them expected "special" treatment. In other words, they had a hard time receiving correction when it was needed. And in most cases, ended up leaving the church over it.
It hurts. It's painful. You feel like you've tried to be all things to all people and you end up paying the price in the end.
One of my spiritual fathers taught me (the old saying) "familiarity breeds contempt". I agree with that to a point. However, I do feel you can hold a close friendship as long as you outline the expectations of the friendship up front.
Even the Lone Ranger had tonto.
Laurel had Hardy
Lavern had Shirley
Batman had Robin
:-)
On the other hand, you may have someone who joins with you over the process of time who wants to be "close" to you...well, you have to discern that one...and pay careful attention to your wife's intuition. She's usually "right on" when it comes to this.
Sometimes, these people just want to be near you so they can feel important. (Not always, just some people) Then there are those people that God yokes you up with - the "buddy" you need to be able to be "real" with. (Where you don't always have to have your pastor hat on). But even then, you have to be mindful that you are that person's spiritual leader.
I dont know...maybe it's best to have a close friend who attends another church?
By the way, I'm free, if you want to go to a NFL game soon. :-)
Russ
I once lamented to Ritchie Thomas (son of the late Asst General Superintendent A.W. Thomas) that I was finding fewer and fewer friends I could confide in. He told me that it would keep on going like that until there were only two left -- myself and Jesus.
ReplyDeleteWhat a friend we have in Jesus!
"Don't show your scars to someone who won't show you theirs." -- T.D. Jakes and Gary Oliver, talking about transparency.
ReplyDeleteI have leraned this one the hard way several times. The truth is no matter how good a friend you think they are, when you let them in where others can't go, they eventually see what they cannot understand and react accordingly. However, I have also found that developing friends outside of the church that my wife and I can hang with, be Todd and Mishele with is tough too. Too bad we all live so far apart from one another.
ReplyDeleteGreat insight guys this is really worthy of digging into because we all need friends thats a fact. I have several friends in church here and several I am going to have to confront as Russell said, and personally I am not looking forward to it but must be done. Jentzen Franklin talks about three people we need. mentors, peers, and those we mentor. We should never let those we mentor see what only our mentor can understand and help with, and what our peers may use for or against us. I still have a great friend/prayer partner of almost 10 years and I still can just be James with all my faults, fears, and failures, and he just loves me back to Jesus What a friend God has given to lead me back to a friend that sticketh closer than a brother. Thanks for the reminder Jeff
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